My salvation has been an ongoing process since I was twelve years old. The Lord has been so patient with me throughout my whole life. I am eternally grateful to the Lord for His love, patience and grace towards me.
When I was twelve years old.I felt that I wanted be saved. Nothing really changed because I wasn’t ready to truly give every bit of me and only do God’s will, and frankly I didn’t have any maturity yet. Life rolled on just about the same as before.
As I got older some things came to light about past things I had done and I became extremely afraid, all I could think about was what I had done and what my parents were thinking of me(this would have been when I was 16-17, about the time we were in North Dakota). This fear bled over into every part of my life and I had a very hard time even functioning.
After we came back from North Dakota fear still had control of me and I was suffering in all areas of my life. It came to a head where my dad told me that I had to choose what I was going to do. I dedicated my life to him again but as before I still wasn’t ready to give all of myself to the Lord because that would mean giving up my control and I just wasn’t ready for that. I was more afraid than anything else and wanted to make the choice that would please my parents
I depended very heavily on what others thought and that dependence made me feel like I was “alright” if everyone was happy with me and anything negative that was said about me made me extremely upset. I would feel if someone was not pleased with me then they thought I was just a “horrible person” when in reality that was not the case at all, and because of that my relationship with my mom and my brothers and sisters suffered. Many arguments with my brothers and sisters erupted over silly things when I should have been the big sister who helped them solve the issue in a mature way.
Another reason my Christian walk has suffered is because I have wrestled quite a bit with doing the things that God asked me to do physically and spiritually which has led me to make mistakes that otherwise would not have happened. Many of those negative things already mentioned were still with me because I was unable to fully give all of myself to the Lord. I had negative attitudes that bled over into my younger siblings lives that was harmful to there spiritual welfare. I lacked the motivation to do things and always found some reason why I maybe shouldn’t do whatever God was asking. I have tried to drown the negatives in other things to make them go away or forget about them, and I want to testify that it does not work because while it might work at the time, afterwards all of the pain, negativity or fear is still right there. Sometimes even when I was doing those things I was still thinking about all the negative things too.
For a very long time fear has held me back, and I got to a point recently where God asked me to follow Him completely or not to follow Him at all, but I could not stay where I was.I had been baptized already so I had made the public proclamation that I wanted to follow the Lord. I needed to live up to the promise I had made to the Lord. I got on my knees and told the Lord that I wanted to follow Him fully and do whatever He wanted me to do.
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. Romans 12:2
I have had much peace since I have done that. The things the Lord has shown me through my parents and my brothers and sisters I have been implementing in my life, and it has helped me immensely. The stress in my life has decreased by at least 75% and I see things in a better more mature way.
A personal relationship with the Lord is the key to a successful walk. I have realized that just saying a prayer and being saved isn’t enough. Making the conscious decision everyday to follow Him is very important.
And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. Luke 9:23
I have felt how easy it is to everyday do the things that God sets before me and leave the rest up to God.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
The biggest thing that God has taught me is, not to worry about anything but what He tells me to do and leave all the other things to Him.
Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.